Adding a new discipline to my schedule sometimes takes a bit. A few days ago, I fell into the pit in the middle of the street (metaphorically). I didn’t even realize it until that evening, when I became aware that I had not drunk any water (or any other liquid) all day, nor had I eaten anything. I didn’t go for the intended walk that I had committed to, and I only managed to get in 5 minutes of painting ( I have committed to 15 minutes per day no matter what) that day too.
I sat at the computer all that time, working at tedious and stressful things, in extreme discomfort and even pain. That is the dysfunctional pit that I used to get stuck in. I learned how to get out of it quite a long time ago, and even started taking a totally “different road” but suddenly this week I discovered that I had sleep-walked right back in there.
I am choosing to look at this setback as a growth challenge. I still have not walked, however I am prodding myself into active consciousness. These little lapses of self -discipline are a gentle reminder to me to open up to guidance – the Muse, higher power, whatever word works for you – because if it’s up to me to manage myself , I get too cerebral and mess things up. I begin to think that it’s up to me to figure it all out, and I literally drive myself crazy. And my art suffers. I can manage my art right into “dead”.
So I have dug myself back out of the pit, again, and I’m trying to find that different road once more.
About twenty-four years ago I was a graphic designer, yet new to the computer world, other than a stint with a character recognition machine at a newspaper that had employed me. The first computer I worked on was given to us. It had two floppies and no hard drive. I got out the hack saw and a little power grinding tool and installed a hard drive in it, and went from there. I owe the hutzpah to my Dad.
One of my Dad’s greatest legacies to all of his children was a sense of fearlessness when it comes to “fixing” things. I remember Dad literally fixing the car with a screw driver and a hammer. Who knows how far he would have gone in the computer world, given a few years leg up on the industry. When he was young (like 15) he wanted a job, so he told the guy at the dump truck company, “Sure, I’ve driven these things for years.” He got the job, and drove off in the dump truck. That was his full training in truck driving, at that point. He taught us that things make logical sense, and you can just rely on that. Anyway, as a result of his attitude, I’ve always been willing to jump in and take something apart, figure it out, and “fix” it.
After I “fixed” that first computer, it’s been a non-stop stream of projects to “fix” when it comes to the use of my computer and my graphic design work. And if it wasn’t hardware that needed replacement, there’s been some software issues that needed tending. Unending… unending. Like the time last year when one of my clients had her website compromised, hacked, and plumbed chockfull of malware. OUCH!!
I fixed the site by taking the entire thing down, completely replacing the site with original files, changing all the passwords on everything I had access to, and successfully re-submitted it to Google. Within a couple weeks, it was compromised again. I fixed the site again, and once more it happened. This time, however, my protections on my own computer became compromised. It took down my whole system. There are people who truly specialize in security and cleaning sites. I am NOT one of them. I suggested my client find one of them, as I am an artist, not a qualified code-wrangler.
There was something about the can-do attitude that doesn’t serve me in fulfilling my purpose, that doesn’t support me in being an artist. That has to do with an additional belief that I somehow tacked onto the can-do. That is: if I can-do I should-do. Finally, as I enter my time of being an elder, I have come to realize that if I tried to do everything I could do so thought I should do, I would never have time to even eat or sleep, let alone create art.
This last May, when Adobe CS5 was released, I was among the first to acquire it. (Oh, I am ever grateful for that!) These days I am concentrating my Can-Do on learning all the wonderful aspects of these creative tools, and working to “fix” my techniques of using them. No more shoulding on myself. Rather, I could, can and do what my heart tells me to.