OK, so this new client wants some new thing, this technology, or that newest buzzword. One more time, I jump on the “can do” train and spend countless evenings studying something new so I can whip it out as if it was there in my pocket all along.
I have to admit, from the outside, I would admire my “Hutzpah,” however, from the inside I am reminded once more of my humanity, and the inability of the body to go for too many days in a row driven by some inner demon with a craving for self-dis-approval. It probably sounds painful. That’s because it probably is. Actually, in fact, it is.
If I counted all the things that I know that I can do, one would use up all the fingers and toes of a small city in no time. The problem with that is that the time allotted for a lifetime is finite, and if one spends their spot of time available working on all of the things possible, then no shiny ONE thing is developed.
It seems I must remind myself that “can do” does not make “must do.”
On my wall in my studio, I have a quote, supposedly from the Buddha,
“No one purifies another. Never neglect your work for another’s however great his need. Your work is to discover your work, and then with all your heart to give yourself to it.”
What is your work? That is a question that I ask myself frequently. My heart can only whisper love notes from the truth and grace can only bless my bent head. And so I seek.
Yet, all the while, my mind lingers in the hallways, seeking answers in the darkened maze.
Discover my work, and give myself to it. . .
After all of these years, I have discovered something remarkable. Joy is independent of worldly experiences. Certainly happiness seems to be tied to attitude, and circumstance more oft than not, however, joy in it’s pure Spirit presence in the heart form, is not. Rather Joy is connected to grace and it bubbles up a spring in my heart, transforms even the mundane or the profane into the truth, into pure grace.
I am blessed in this life, I think. When I come to lean on Spirit, when I forget my own little thoughts, I am engulfed by grace, I become joy. Transparent, let me be transparent, a window to the soul, a window to the light, a candle in the night.
“Where our work is, there let our joy be.” -Tertullian
Recently I have been blogging very little, because of lack of time to do these things that I love to do, that bring me joy as I work on them. About a month and a half ago my computer was hacked into by a trojan worm, and my computer went down for the 8 count. Just yesterday it came home to me, and they were able to retrieve some of the data.
I had been working for many months on a new project that I intended to launch very soon, in pursuit of my ideal work and money situation. None of the data for that survived. I’ve done a lot of praying throughout this whole journey, and I really “get” that it’s time for me to re-evaluate yet once more.
It seems the whole universe is shouting at me that I need learn how to receive, which includes allowing myself to give myself the room to pursue my dreams without guilt. To receive God’s blessings I must be willing to accept them. I’ve been one of the first, in my self-centered way, to cut my own legs out from under myself, even while I am asking for guidance through joy.
The Buddha said, “No one purifies another. Never neglect your work for another’s. However great his need, your work is to discover your work and then with all of your heart, to give yourself to it.”
Art, creativity, Spirit, clean graphics, inspired writing, singing, dancing, painting, drawing and capturing Goddess’s beauty through photography make my heart sing. They are my “vocation”, which comes from the Latin word for calling. My heart’s work is God calling me to pursue my joy so that I will fulfill that which I am most destined to contribute to the world. I know my work. It is time to give myself to it.
I have been reminded of these things many times in the last week, by key people in my closest circles and others. Sometimes, it seems, a message must be repeated over and over to me before I pay attention. I am grateful that it does get repeated.
So, this computer thing that I have experienced recently was like a cosmic two-by-four. OK. I am re-thinking. Seems I have spent a lot, A VERY LOT of time working with my nose to the grindstone for the last 6-7 months, only to reap no financial remuneration. There is something a-kilter here.
My conclusion: I must remember the joy. I must remember that God put me here and gave me gifts to honor and use in service to and for the highest good. That is a joyous experience.
When I say to a client, “Sure, I can do that!” it is based on years of experience and invested in developing technical savvy that I base my claims. Grounded in a solid fine art background, design is second nature to me. Besides that, I grok computer logic. I’ve been practicing my art for many many years. I’ve immersed myself in the flow of the technical highway, and it is a vast river with strong current.
In order to be up to speed in the graphic world today, it is quite helpful to embody a true love of learning. It never ends; the push to learn more, ingest even better programs, improve techniques, and slam dunk the up and coming marketing and promotional strategies. Yikes! All the while, the work keeps coming, and the speed limit keeps rising like google’s email storage.
Recently, I went back to school. I love going to school. I love learning new stuff, expanding my understandings, fleshing out my knowledge base, opening up to new ideas, appearing to myself to keep up with the traffic in the technical fast lane.
It’s been rough lately. Technical difficulties which have come close to overwhelming me. Old paranoia arising. I must say that if as indicated by the movie Jacob’s Ladder the demon’s in our lives are our angels sent to bless us with the path to true union, then the computer hackers and those that invent trojans and malware and other nasty things have completed their job in my life.
I have surrendered to the Will of God. My Higher Power graces me with Joy in my heart throughout all trials. And I know that in truth, I am always safe and loved, no matter what.
